Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m in a really bad place right now*

*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house

The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.

Perfect

making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs

Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.

I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.

ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*

PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted

*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now

Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.

Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?

Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history

Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..

Daughter: wtf dad?

That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*

SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener

Fashion designers: What do you want?

Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable

Fashion designers: we don’t do magic

Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit

Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.

My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.

if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch

“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”

Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.

I deal with my problems in the order they were received.

Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.

Wait a minute

assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%

shrink ray company CEO: excellent

Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.

afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips

I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable

My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”

I’m locking my bedroom door tonight