Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
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Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
23. the denim jacket
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
being human is disgusting sometimes but i don’t think i’d want to be a fish
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.