Lost and found pet FB pages
I found this dog in my yard, who does he belong to?? People like this don’t deserve to have pets. This owner should be locked up. What kind of MONSTER would do this???
*update – owner found, lives 3 houses down, leash broke and he ran. All good.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:
A termite walks into a tavern and asks, ‘Is the bar tender here?’
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
