Lost and found pet FB pages
I found this dog in my yard, who does he belong to?? People like this don’t deserve to have pets. This owner should be locked up. What kind of MONSTER would do this???
*update – owner found, lives 3 houses down, leash broke and he ran. All good.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
(trying to convince my friends to hang out at wells fargo and drink the free coffee instead of going to bars to save money) it’s popping at the farg tonight!
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
