lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
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NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪