lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
You Might Also Like
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar