lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
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Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk