[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
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No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.
I was probably sleep-wokking again.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
S M O L
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory