[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
You Might Also Like
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
A drum solo but on your face.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
That’s someone else’s problem.
-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches