[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
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Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
DOCTOR: I’m gonna order another round…
ME: whoa you guys serve here?
DOCTOR:…of tests.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Me in the summer: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s sunny and beautiful outside
Me in the winter: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s snowy and cold outside
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
watched the godfather with my little sister and after 2 hours of silence she uttered an incredulous “he’s elf’s dad” before falling asleep. never showing her a film again
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.