Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade

People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.

If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.

At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”

My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.

CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?

SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.

I sexually identify as a hand grenade

Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it’s definitely up there.

Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.

Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”

Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!

Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.

Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!

Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?

Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.

I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.

My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”

If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.

If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends

i finally quit drinking for good

now i drink for evil

I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.

I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”

[In meeting]

Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.

murderer: *stabbing me*

me: 🙂

murderer: doesn’t it hurt?

me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)

Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.

“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick

ME: my wife and i are having a baby!

FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?

ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…

Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*

Sheriff: can i help you son?

Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?

Yup.

I learned about self care from watching my cat.

I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.

[swimming pool]

me: do you have family changing facilities?

clerk: yes we do

me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife

Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.