Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”

*Organizing closet*

Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?

Me: Oh, just put it with the others.

Husband: What?

Me: What?

GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!

HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first

ME: You’re not really my type though

If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse

*whips out tampon*

“Now weigh me”

Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.

[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!

[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]

me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time

shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?

me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe

I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.

Did not finish.

Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.

I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.

– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.

– Did we have snakes?

– Oh yes, thousands of em.

– I’ve never seen any sn…

– THOUSANDS!

Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..

Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..

Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials

mcdonalds: may I take your order

cronus: I’ll have the kids meal

*Good Will Hunting*

Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?

me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?

ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.

HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?

ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*

Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.

I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.

My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*

Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?

Everyone is always doing laundry

*changes name to laundry

The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET

Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.

normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”

MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?

I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.

*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.

My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.

Starbucks job interview:

“What’s your name?”

“Alyssa”

“Spell that please”

“L A R I S S A”

“When can you start?”