Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.

[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.

If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.

I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?

this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista

Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention

Wife: no it’s your birthday

If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.

At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.

Breaking up

(be mature, be mature, be mature)

Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.

Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.

ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.

“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning

My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door

Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.

Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.

If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.

We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.

Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”

Optometrist: better or worse?

Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now

I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen

ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes

Hey! This isn’t my car!

Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!

I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home

Three men are on a boat

They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So?

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.

Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.

Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.