[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
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In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
do horses think humans are hats
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.