????My lactose-free, gluten-free, wheat-free, carb-free, nut-free, fat-free milkshake, brings all the weirdos to the yard…????
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –
Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
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“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
The New York Post publishes rumours about Dwayne Johnson. He sues for defamation and wins.
Rock beats paper.
And the crowd goes wild.
Rival Gang Leader:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you