Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”

Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.

When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.

Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.

Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.

A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.

Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁

me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!

Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…

I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.

I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”

Christmas bonus so small you have to call your bank and ask “is it in yet?”

thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent

What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?

{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.

I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead

[first day working at Viagra]

BOSS: We need a new slogan.

ME: *sweating* This is really hard.

BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.

What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.

I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.

People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin

Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.

Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.

Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?

I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.

Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok

Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.

For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.

How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.

The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.

“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”

“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”