lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
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I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
“Done the ad yet?”
“Yes, it’s already up.”
“Great. And you remembered the names of all the dinosaurs?”
“More or less”
