lost dog
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Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
“I asked Santa for a real duck.”
— My child, trying to break me 3 days before Christmas
looking for a job in america is kinda wild
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”