lost dog
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[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?