Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again

welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder

I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.

mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.

time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.

repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.

I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.

Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake

I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?

“the moon is made of cheese”

You’re an idiot

“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”

[God & his assistant making giraffes]

ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?

*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*

Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.

Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.

We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.

Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore

Me: Not this crap again, Brenda

Wife: That’s not my name

Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.

A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.

Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?

Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome

What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.

I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.

There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.

Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth

Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?

Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.

.

When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.

Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him

Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.

Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.

Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.

Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.

Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.

Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered