LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
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[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Science is fun!
#nottrue
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Meanwhile in Canada…
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.