LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
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Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in
tis the season