Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
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Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst