Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
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If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
😭😭😭
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…