Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
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It feels like the right time to invest in the guillotine industry.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*
*an hour later*
7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!