Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
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Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Ape together strong
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.