Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
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I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.