Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.

Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.

There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.

I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING

Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.

Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.

Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.

Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.

Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never!

[in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]

[waxing salon]

ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.

ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?

ME: No, I don’t need that many.

My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose

Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed

Tried counting sheep, but now I’m emotionally invested in their backstories and I think one might need therapy.

Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.

[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]

ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please

What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”

When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”

ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?

BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?

ME: no, it’s a Civic

oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you

Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?

[at Dr. appointment]

Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.

Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING

Take 9 seconds. Be this happy

“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”

My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday

My Sentiments Exactly

Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.

big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.

Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.

Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?

Vampire: I don’t.

Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-

Vampire: also no.

At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners

i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.

5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?

8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.

*Both start laughing*

omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions