Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off

peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*

I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break

Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.

When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.

That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.

I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”

What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*

I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño

Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.

[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready

In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play

we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.

My son drew this picture of a giraffe. He explained that he ran out of room for the giraffe’s head 😆 I like it!

Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.

my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”

Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity

[ 9 months BC ]

Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”

BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday

[1 a.m. thursday night]

ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped

Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.

Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.

I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”

Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.

ADAM: oh look the McRib is back

EVE: stop calling me that

If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.

some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.

The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.

Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.

I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god

There’s trash talk, then there’s this.