Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?

Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA

Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*

Me: *slowly reaches for phone*

Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.

We cannot all be trying to head home at 5:00PM. We have to start going home in groups

Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!

Someone:

*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil

Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.

[before cones were invented]

*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way

“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”

I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.

Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise

probably should have split this into two separate stories guys

I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.

I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:

1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home

My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.

A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”

[sinking in quicksand]

me: oh no

wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help

me: ok

[mambo no. 5 starts to play]

me: OH NO

Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.

I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.

Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.

i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.

Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils

Batman: oh no

For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.

wife: what’s bothering you, hun?

attila: the romans

Overheard neighborhood story:

First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.

Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.

Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.

[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”

A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind