Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.

*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought

a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS

One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day

*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?

I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up

It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.

Black ice is just like regular ice…

Except it’s a better dancer…

Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.

[digging through lost and found]

Target employee: What are you trying to find?

Me: My son

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.

#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?

7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.

‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid

Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation

Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.

Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now

Products that are really small are like free samples, right?

cop: can you step out of the car, sir?

me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D

cop:

me:

cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?

me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question

“Are you ready to rock?”

Scissors: no

If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too

I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.

I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*

I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.

“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”

When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way

When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph

In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”

How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?