Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What in the hell is “disposable income”?

YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!

RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.

YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.

heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.

If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.

never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number

not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.

DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.

the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?

Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.

kitchen magnet

Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do

if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin

I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.

Ethan isn’t playing around this semester

Noah was an idiot.

Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it

No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness

Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though

Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.

Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…

My wife: …so what do you think?

Me: wait… what?

I’m Sold!

The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses

no way 😭

I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.

Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:

🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT

HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president

KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!

ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:

wat if harry poter was pokemon

I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.

*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*

BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please