Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
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People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Wizard: [holding a marshmallow on a stick]
Dragon: ok fine but this is the last one
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.