Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
You Might Also Like
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.