Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
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[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
Scrooge isn’t special, I too have been ghosted thrice in one night
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Windchimes
