Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.

I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.

so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?

… sounds better than tinder

Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here

3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.

sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks

“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”

I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit

idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels

“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”

me: he walking like a cold duck
other friend: with his freezin duck ass
another friend: cold duck much??
friend who always ruins the riffing with something serious: guys what side are your appendix on?

GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment

ME: finally a program for me

THERAPIST: what brings you in today?

ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.

THERAPIST: *starts to cry*

I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.

Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.

My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go

Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly

Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.

Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.

if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic

I have two kinds of followers

Cashier: you’re 8 cents short

Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide

Cashier: no

Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now

me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin

Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.

Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.

me: well, you know, change is inedible

her: i think you mean inevitable

me: *spitting out several nickels* nope

SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!

PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:

SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.

I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.

Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.

Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself

Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”