Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
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Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Real House Wines.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Best gender moment of the day is my professor normally calls on students by pointing to them and saying “lady” or “gentleman”. When he got to me, his face spasmed in confusion and then he said “you”