Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
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Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
lol
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”