Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
You Might Also Like
My what?
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO