Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs

*sinks into depression*

Depression: “Wrong hole.”

*Hiring an electrician

Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord

Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.

This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.

The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?

Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.

My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday

Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.

Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.

His future in Politics is secure.

God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.

Angel: What do you call it?

God: A toddler.

Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!

Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you

Me: He’s murdered 7 people

Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.

My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.

A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.

New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?

Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here

New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?

Me: I didn’t say things like that?

I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda

dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?

Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”

Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.

*puts ex in Memory Lane*

*revs car engine*

70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.

[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens

due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes

Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate

Him: U started your diet, didn’t u

I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂

“Age is just a number”

…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account

I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.