Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀

You two just need to get out more.

– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice

Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.

FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car

[hours later after date]

HER: It’s been 18 miles

ME: I insist

HER: But you drove both of us

You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.

Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.

Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.

Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that

My body: are you serious? have you seen us?

My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.

[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally

I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive

Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered

[opens fortune cookie]

be careful what you wish for

[opens another]

this is your final warning

(invention of the crib)

put that baby in jail

[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this

“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”

People that don’t know how cake
works.

This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.

Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??

Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..

Yaba daba do not resuscitate

If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first

A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.

I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.

shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?

Medusa: absolutely not

My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me

I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.

Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from

My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.

Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.

“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”

~me, when I can’t open the cheese

“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not