Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency

Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial

I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.

The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…

Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5

I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it

and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area

Girl, same.

me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates

me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower

If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting

I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar

Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy

Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl

I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached

I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like

SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot

ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.

Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.

Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”

Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers

lol

I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.

Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please

Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.

Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.

Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.

Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.

I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.

Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this

an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed

I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.