lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
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*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.