Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
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Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.
10: When there were dinosaurs?