Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Using “Hello” as a greeting

– boring
– uninspired
– predictable

Using “Hiya” as a greeting

– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate

Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.

The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,

He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.

#Wednesdaymorning

A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.

I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”

You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”

[being taken hostage]

*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest

Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore

Me: Not this crap again, Brenda

Wife: That’s not my name

Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!

Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear

Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?

I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not

” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”

I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.

Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’

Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’

Cashier: ‘Eh?’

Sounds about right! 💯
🌐

Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.

Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.

Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.

Do you know how fast you were going sir?

“15,000mph?”

Wha? No,like 65?

“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”

I guess so.

“Ok bye”

bye?

A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.

Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*

Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?

I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.

I have witnessed someone face reality.

Cashier: And how are you today?

Me: Incandescent with rage. You?

I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.

I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one

My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.

Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator

THAT is an influencer

Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts

My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.