Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
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I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Good morning!
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Mornin
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door
Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad