Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
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Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography