Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?

I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.

Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.

I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.

BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”

Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.

Ffs laughed out loud 😂

Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.

Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious

My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways

*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit

Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!

My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.

Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?

Because he had gnocchi

*quietly waits for the reply guys

What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??

im a single issue voter and this is my issue

no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents

I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*

ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.

COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for

Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.

Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.

Me: This relationship feels very transactional.

Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??

If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.

By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”

I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.

10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny

If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.

ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces

ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri

Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house

Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.