*lost my marbles*
Weighs myself
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One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
