*lost my marbles*
Weighs myself
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commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.