Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
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[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
…..pretty much.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
May have had one breakfast too many
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Everyone’s family
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?