Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
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Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
fourth time’s the charm
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do