Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
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It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
hey i noticed you’re not saying what i want
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
The game has officially changed 😎
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”