Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good

Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.

How all things should be taught/explained.

my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird

Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months

Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing

I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.

Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful

Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!

Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense

Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this

Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???

I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.

America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM

i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.

“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.

Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.

Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.

I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.

My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.

Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.

I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.

Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*

Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.

Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.

“Does this look infected?”

*points to the entire world*

How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.

The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people

*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*

Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.

I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.

*turns off life support*

*waits*

*turns it back on*

Me: How’s she now?

Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?

Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.

If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?

If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??

I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”