Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
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wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)
so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct
They got Luigi out here like Hannibal Lecter, and the general public is still like, “WOULD”.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
bias laundering edition
