Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
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[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Me [on the couch]: Well, it was a nice holiday break, but now it’s time to go back to work.
Me: [moves to other end of couch and opens laptop]
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.