Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
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We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
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I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Her: how are you still single?
Me: it’s easier than you think.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
So annoying that in order to meet new people you need to go out and meet new people. Ideally I would have known you in a past life
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.