Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
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Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
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Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”