Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
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A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
they split up moments later
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you
me: stop threatening me
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things
[single drop of rain falls on ground]
Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.