Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
You Might Also Like
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Yes
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Just did a big green poo by a canal
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’