Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”

Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.

Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.

#merica

Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.

*at the vet*

me: my new cat won’t stop hissing

vet: ma’am this is a cockroach

me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off

You don’t serve tuna do you?

“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”

*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*

[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]

me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!

ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant

I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.

BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?

ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning

BOSS: why a clown though

[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human

The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.

You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE

I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite

Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.

10-year-old: Can we have ice cream for dinner?

Me: We can have ice cream after dinner.

10: Dinner will ruin my appetite.

My girlfriend and I met through a dating agency for dolphin impersonators. The minute we met we just clicked

Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…

T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!

Doctor: How big were its horns?

T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*

Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.

Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?

Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.

Me: Do I have to?

Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.

Me: *moonwalks to the car*

Govt: How many dependents do you have?

Me: 7

Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]

friend: can i tell you something

me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis

My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.

perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors

It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.

Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.

Her: “Is that you in your avi?”

Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”

we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still