Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.

Follow me for more health advice

Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.

Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.

M: what’s this about, 007?

James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am

M: are you sure?

JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him

M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?

pigeon: coo

M: my god man, you’re right!

Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow

The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.

i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue

When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river

When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.

My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked

if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS

Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half

Me: I’ll do it

Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily

Me: *crying* He’s good

Wife: What

Just organising my finances.

When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.

A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is

it’s not been my year

My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.

I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater

I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing

If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.

If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale

Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios

Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*

When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.

When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.

Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht

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Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.

When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.

her: did you know Weezer covered Africa

me: [impressed] with what

*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”