Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
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I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!