“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
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i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility