“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
You Might Also Like
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Art by Pastelkatto
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.