“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
You Might Also Like
🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
I am yelling
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
You sure about that?
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
presenting your incognito window wrapped
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Thursday Thought.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.