Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
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My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
never signed up for a 401k cuz there’s no way in hell i can run that far
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist