lot going on here, legally speaking.
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Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR