Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?

Hubs: You treat me like a child

Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.

Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”

gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”

You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.

6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?

Me: um…

6: when plants die can they be ghosts?

Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.

Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday

Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal

Dad: (just bawling)

PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.

Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.

“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”

– Vader & therapist

best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook

“Have you tried drinking more water?”

is the new

“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”

of health advice.

HER: I’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME:

HER:

ME: did the dog put you up to this

Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.

As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.

As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.

I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me

Me: Sex?

Wife: Sure.

Me: Really? Just like that?

Wife: Yep.

Me: …never mind.

I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.

my surgeon thought i was in my mid 30s and says i’m fit, trim, and look amazing. should i give him my number before or after he cuts me open like a fish?

Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded

Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena

Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…

For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.

Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G

For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.

Dearest Twitter,

Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.

Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.

Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.

Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.

Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.