Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that

Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.

You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’

I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road

Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.

The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat

If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.

[getting murdered]

Hang on, let me clear my browsing history

Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.

If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.

Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.

my one true gender

me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”

A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.

normal person: 9+7=16

me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16

Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.

Scotch neat please

Umm…this is a Starbucks

*sigh

Ok a scotch “grande”

i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free

Me: That tree is impeckable

“Don’t you mean impeccable?”

*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*

Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?

I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her

*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!

*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times

We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee

Three steps to start a relationship.

1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.

I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.

Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.

People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?