Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
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WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.