Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative

him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?

me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose

him: that’s not what I asked

me: that is the information I have

Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude

Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo

[first date]

Him: Why are you being so distant?

Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?

I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.

You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also

We are not the sane

[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R

Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠

Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.

My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.

Those three magical words:

“Where’s the plunger?”

“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.

Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”

PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers

ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam

A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera

If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns

[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?

She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.

I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.

Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.

can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?

My biological clock is wheezing.

I asked my mom what she was doing and she said oh just watching trail cam footage and I asked of what? And she said, of a man stealing a trail cam.

Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.

I’d like to apologize…

To anyone I have not offended.

I’ll be with you momentarily.

Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”

Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]

I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.

King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going

me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–

King Tut: like a what?

me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum